28 years…

June 8th pm 1995-the last time I saw my husband

June 11th 1995 -watched detective get out of white unmarked car to bring “the news” – he’d never be coming home.

just yesterday – 28 years ago …

left in the desert
dirt mixed with blood
silenced by wind
a gunshot unheard

plans  played out
a death visualized
the lone hero falls
no longer to ride

How do I love without him
This man that holds my heart
How could I ever begin again
How could I over start

We had years of shared history
Our youth and a sense of continuity
A life built on vast memories
and countless hours of intimacy

There’s no way to replace that type of love
There’s no reason to try again
Besides he holds my heart above
knowing it only beats for him

Two intense love bound hearts
that death cannot keep apart

A gentle hand upon her face
comes reaching out through time and space

She hears the echoes of his needful call
& moves close to him to surrender all

But suddenly a light grows bright
her dream is over, it’s no longer night

Tears flow hard as pain moves in
He’s gone …..gone – she’s alone again

Sometimes the warm blanket of loving memories that I have of you morph into a hideous deformed boa constrictor. It squeezes all life from me and then slithers away leaving me entangled in a heavy shroud of grief.

She watches quietly as ghostly steam rises up
and waits for tea to brew in the delicate cup.

She lingers over this simple pleasure to end each day
while visions of things long past clearly play.

The tiny flowers on the cup brings memories bright
of the single rose he brought each Friday night.

And the gold band that circles the cup she can’t ignore
for it screams of the wedding band she once wore.

The silver spoon that she uses to gently stir sugar in
reminds her of the sweetness of being loved by him.

The steam as it slowly rises and then disappears
reminds her of a life now gone and the many shed tears.

So nightly she sips & savors memories bittersweet
finding uncommon comfort in a teacup so petite.

tick tock / tick tock

 
In silence she closely watches the clock
while back and forth she does rock
at times she’ll stand to  pace and walk
but always she watches that old, old clock

She’s not waiting for a certain time
or for a special hour in which to dine
leave me be, she pleads, I’m really fine
sometimes ticks and tocks mean more than time

Now many say she’s not safe alone
they think her mind’s completely gone
deeply buried with her husband John
whose sudden death left her all alone

They watch her closely, that she  knows
but in silence she lets sweet memories flow
his note had read, My bride, I love you so
tick/tock….just listen and you’ll always know

So it’s not his death that fills her mind
but the love they shared down through time
as the clock kept beat they’d silly rhyme
then laugh together… that fills her mind

So with loving memories  she watches the clock
while back and forth she peaceful rocks
sometimes she stands  and likes to  walk
as she quietly listens to that old, old clock

 

Tears of joy
Tears of pain
Tears of loss
Tears of gain
Time moves on
but tears remain.

She was once called  Songbird
but now that doesn’t mean a thing.
Today this sad sad Songbird
can no longer sing.

Her head it hangs low
and her feathers have lost all shine.
Her voice is now quiet
and heartache fills her mind.

Her reason for singing is gone
and with him the notes so glad.
She no longer sings her music
she’s just too, too sad.

Grief it has silenced her
since the loss of her sweet love
He’s  left her here all alone
to live in heaven above.

In dreams, I reach for you.
Awake, you are not there.
Torment floods my soul
and grief consumes  all air.
 
Just when I think I’m better
another round begins.
It takes me back to the start
where I’ve already been.
 

Again I can not catch my breath
and nothing brings relief.
But I know that I must carry on
no matter how deep my grief.
 

So I struggle one more time
to claw my way up and out
from the deep dark cavern
built of depression, grief and doubt.

Do the tears ever stop?
Does the sadness ever end?
How can a broken heart
go on beating, but  never mend?

The hurt continues on.
Pain like  lava flows.
Words can not explain it.
No one can ever know.

Unless you’ve lived though it.
Unless you’ve been left behind.
You can never understand,
intense sorrow of this kind.

You’ll never be the same.
You’ll always wonder why.
And as time moves on around you,
a million tears you’ll have left to cry.
 

Ever alone, through  nights so long
I  strum and sing  countless songs.
Those of old and  new ones too
I sing and strum as I long for you.

Sad and lonely, for you’re not here,
I miss the love that we once shared.
So I’ll lift my voice and continue to strum
through all the  solitary hours that come.

I’ll sing of the time you filled my life
and treasure the memories of being your wife.
I’ll play love songs that remind me of you,
that speak of our past and  a love so true.

With furrowed brow
And sad sad eyes
She  thinks of him
And inside she cries
 

She prays and sings
And tries to hide
That demanding thing
That lives deep inside
 

Down within her heart
Strongly it does thrive
One tiny tear so dark
That Forever sadly cries

(2016)
Tomorrow you’d be sixty-two
if you were here
I’d sing for you.
 
I’d let you know how much I care
with little notes
tucked everywhere.
 
I’d wrap some gifts & bake a cake
then with loving arms,
you, I’d wake.
 
I’d tell you how you blessed my life
by choosing me
to be your wife.

(2016)
21 years have passed but still….
from my eyes—tears so easily spill
My heart it aches & finds no relief
plagued and scarred by unyielding grief
You promised we’d grow old as one
A promise stolen by a life undone

In a park under a tree I did strum
and sang to my love “Our Day Will Come”.
Though often told we were much too young
our plans of being together had sprung.
While the notes in waiting carefully hung.
The details to leave, in secret, were spun
Once settled I sang, and with joy I strummed…..
knowing truly,
that soon,
our day would come.

Enough time has passed, they say
and yet she still behaves this way
I think it’s for attention she plays
using  outdated loss,  day after day
Vows spoken was a future paved
Together, one flesh, we were to stay
So attention is not that which I crave
But the part of me  ripped away
His body in a grave does lay
so now alone I weep and pray
alive but without a heart today
cold, in grief, in sorrow, enslaved. 

. 

(2022)
67 you would be
on the morrow of this, your birthday eve
 
My tears so heavy silent fall
whilst love though time dost loudly call
 
Oh, perchance my cries will awaken thee
and bring thee forth this night to me
 
But alas, tis cries discharged in vain
for my plight of woe steady remains

Through out the years
To her he’s appeared
That man no longer here
 
Then the air heavy carries
The smell of cherries
of a man no longer here
 
To prove he’s real
His touch she feels
from a man no longer here
 
And though incomplete
Her heart still beats
For the man no longer here

It’s no longer new
but it hurts just as bad
It’s no longer fresh
but I’m still so sad
 
It will get better
that’s what everyone said
And I’ve been waiting
but tears I still shed
 
A deep sorrow remains
though time has moved on
I grieve and I miss you
because….. you’re still gone!

I am not brave or strong
but fragile here all alone
I am not okay
I am not okay
 
I am weak and terrified
broken nearly paralyzed
I am not okay
I am not okay
 
I scream into the darkness
I am not okay
I am not okay

Another day is calling
I’ve got so much to do
So I’ll paint on a smile
And pretend for a while
That I’m not missing you

 

That day’s are never lonely
And nights, easy to get through
It’s a game that I play
Pretending each day
That I’m not missing you

 

No, no one wants to hear it
Too much time has past
So I smile and I say
Yes, I’m really okay
That I’m not missing you