3 am-awake again

I’m awake again in the wee hours of the morning. I know that I’m going to be exhausted before this day is over but there’s not much I can do about it. It seems my body and mind have a random and varied sleep schedule of their own. Sleep 3 hours then wake for 8 — sleep for 2 and wake for 4—or sleep for 5 and wake for 6 —on and on and on no matter what I do. There are also times that I sleep for 12 hours straight from exhaustion.

Worse than my sleep schedule are the dreams and nightmares that plague my sleep. That has never been any different. I’ve always had an active dream and nightmare life. There are many reoccuring dreams that I’ve had since a small child. As I’ve grown my emotions during some of the reoccuring dreams have changed. There are a few of the reocurring dreams that stay the same year after year except I grow older in the dream just as I grow older in real life. There are 2 nightmares I had for years that changed as I got older slowly moving to a climatic end. I’ve not had either since. I will write in detail about them at another time.

One of the oddest things I dream about is one very specific house. I have 3 different houses that appear in my dreams over and over. Two show up occasionally but one of the 3 shows up often. It looks the same in every dream. Sometimes it’s the main focus of the dream and in other dreams it is just there in the background.

The house itself is 2 stories with 3 steps leading up to a wooden porch that is as wide as the front of the house. The porch has a short slated wood fence surrounding it. At times there is an old rocking chair and one straight back caned chair on the porch, sometimes there is a very old double seated swing attached to the top of the porch with rusted chains that creak as I step onto the porch and at other times the porch is completely empty. Sometimes the house looks newly painted and at other times it appears older and in need of care. No matter how it apprears there’s always a sense that the house is reaching out to me with open arms inviting me in. When I start up the steps there’s always a surge of excitment as if I’m returning to a place in which I have deep connections to but haven’t seen in a very Iong time. Then almost as soon as I feel the excitement a sour taste of bile rises to the back of my throat bringing with it a sensation of needing to turn, run and hide but I never do.

Instead I step onto the porch and walk to the front door. Attached to the center of the door is a large, very detailed door knocker. It doesn’t fit the aesthetics of the house as the knocker has a gothic appearance but the house resembles a country home. Sometimes just the shape of the door knocker shows up in other dreams. Dreams that have nothing else to do with the house. The shape has shown up as a necklace, an ornate large mirror, a symbol on a faded old book, a bumper sticker on a car and more. I see it and feel a bit distracted by it then move on in the dream. On the house though, it’s always there on the door and I’m drawn to it but I can never put my finger on why. There are dreams where I just stand touching it following the details with a finger searching for answers and I wake up thinking about it. I know I’ve seen it before but no matter how much it haunts my mind I I can’t remember where. It’s like having an unreachable itch in a deep part of my mind that is never satisfied.

Like the porchs appearance that changes in different dreams the door being locked or unlocked also changes. When it’s locked I reach up to the ridge over the door and easily find a single key that fits the lock. I never question why I know it’s there I just know like I know what I’ll find inside the house. I know every room and what’s inside every room. I know the colors, the smells and the sounds of the house. What I don’t know is how I know. It’s an errie and uncomfortable feeling. Sometimes my dream is about only the house and I wander through it going into each room searching knowing there is something there that I need to find. I know it’s important but I can’t ever remember what it is that I need to find. Other times the house will just be in the dream. It will sit far off in the background where I can see it but it really has no part in the overall subject of the dream or nightmare. Whether it is the main subject or simply part of the background when I see it I sense that something important is there, hidden within the walls and I feel vulnerable, alone uneasy. At times, when the dream is going to morph into a nightmare I feel more than uneasy but truely afraid. Even now picturing it in my mind makes me uncomfortable, like I’m missing something about it. The only way I can discribe it is when you’re trying to think of a word but it won’t come to you and it nags at you. No matter how hard you try to think of the word you’re searching for it stays just out of your memories grasp. This house and it’s mysteries have been in my dreams for over 50 years yet I have no memory of ever seeing it in my waking life.

Well that’s enough of my dream rambling for now. I’m going to attempt to get some sleep before my alarm goes off. Attempt being the key word.