(My health has not been good and it seems to be one thing after another now that I’m older.)

I hate missing work.  I hate being limited in regards to where I go now because of this breathing issue. I hate letting people down when I can’t show up somewhere that I said I would. I hate that I have to move away from a person if they are wearing something that has a fragrance when I really want to stay close and talk with them. I hate that I love the rain but that it now makes me feel  terrible.  I hate that the wind that sounds so wonderful as it plays through the leaves on the branches of the trees now makes me feel miserable. I hate that I can’t go to the park or fishing like I used to.  I hate not being able to attend church every time the doors are open.

I hate these and so many things and though I am sad many times because of the issues my health causes, I am able to adjust, cope and have hope. BUT, the feeling of being “placed on a shelf” unable to serve my God is something I can not deal with. Depression sets in and self pity abounds creating even more depression.  The circle closes and it becomes  a victory for the flesh and satan. <~~~~(yes I know the s is a small s……..I meant it to be)

But praise the Lord, my Saviour doesn’t give up on me.  He is patient with me and gently leads me in understanding that all this stuff about not being able to serve him because of my health is based on my “feelings” and  not on reality.   The problem has been that I —- yes I want to serve him in the way I think I should. After all, I know whats best, right?   Again, he is so patient with me.  Patient, gentle and loving.  I serve a God, that, even though I had cried out (whined actually) to him about not being able to serve him, he held me, heard me and  answered prayers I  prayed while being confined to my home, out of the wind and pollen.  All the while, I was serving him…..I was praying for others.

I have so far to go in my Christian walk but I do not walk alone.  I have so much to learn but have been given a teacher and a perfect book to guide me.   Though I am a huge mess,  the one  I “serve”  is not.  I am, once again, humbled and grateful.  He is, as always, perfect in every way.