No title – just rambling

I snapped at someone today. I’ve apologized but that doesn’t change the fact that I did it. I have noticed it happens more often when I am fatigued. That is not an excuse just an observation.

If I could sleep without the dreams and nightmares maybe I would feel better overall but they’ve plagued me for as long as I can remember. When I was very young the pain of biting the inside of my lips would wake me up. I would feel the pain, taste the blood in my mouth and my mouth would stay sore for days. Nightly I’d grind my teeth so hard the sound would wake me up and many times I’d wake myself up talking or crying. My grandmother worked very hard and my issues would very often wake her up too. She tried many things to help me but it kept happening.

I still do those things but the biting on the inside of my lips is not the same as it used to be. Wearing dentures prevents me from biting with the same vigor. The grinding is so bad though that I have damaged the upper plate over and over. After taking them in numerous times for repairs the dentist told me to either take them out or wear a guard when I sleep . It’s expecially bad when I’m extra stressed which seems like all the time. You’d think I would have out grown such things and developed better ways to cope but they continue as the nightmares rage on.

Sometimes writing lessens the depth of the horror of the nightmares. It’s like there’s so much in my head I have to get some of it out. It was so much better with my husband until he got sick. He understood me better than anyone did or has since and I felt completely safe and protected by him. The nightmares weren’t as bad during that time. I did have them but not as often and the intensity was different. He’s been gone a long time and it feels like I haven’t had a normal nights sleep since.

Oh well, it is what it is and some day this too shall pass. Until then, especially tonight, I will attempt to fill my hours with something that I have to focus on. I will pray and keep busy. Tomorrow is another day and I look forward to it no matter what the night holds.

Good night everyone

and

Nightmares, nightmares everywhere

It’s hard to constrain this need to share

But there’s no way I safely dare

express the evils I nightly bare

They start with fangs and deadly claws

or sweet smiles with gentle pause

Either way the terror caused

sear to me the forms they draw

Images too graphic for me to share

too much for another soul to bare

Such a person’s extremely rare

so I alone attempt to fare

There was a time he’d hold me tight

and smooth away my awful fright

With him near all was right

he was my brave & gallant knight

He’s gone now and I’m all alone

so nightly I wake on my own

In terror I shake, toss and moan

cursed by the horrors I’ve been shown

Rhonda Embs